Ahhh Alicia. I have two children as well and learned from seeing what happened with the older one…what to avoid with the second. And I am very glad you found a better relationship and survived the first one. I look forward to your next installment.
Man...oh man. It's not an uncommon story, I think. My heart goes out to you for your pain as well. I wonder if it is openly discussed among people who are still in the belief that vaccines in general are a greater good in spite of side effects? I didn't really know about it being a big controversy when I changed my mind - I just was reacting as a young person and then sought out the truth for myself. I only started getting anti-vaxxer reactor kinds of experiences thrown at me post 2016. I too am grateful that in spite of that first experience, I was able to leave and am now with someone I have had the privilege to grow with for 20 plus years. The hardest, most damn-unfair-heartbreaking thing is that currently BOTH my daughters now live with him (the ex) and prefer him/his partner over me. He got to hold her first and bond...in spite of being abusive to me and shredding my self-esteem...he found the energy to play with her when I was depressed. He was actually decent to us both for a period of time but later disappeared, stopped child support and contributed to a lot of pain for her and be default me. Yet she prefers to live with him and his partner, along with my youngest, whom the oldest essentially took under her wing behind my back, not telling me things that youngest told her that I would have needed to know, then blaming me and leaving suddenly on the weekend of Oct 7th. I miss my daughters. I am glad they get free housing in an area they wouldn't be able to afford on their own that is a pretty cool place for them to spread their wings. I know they are on their path and pushing me away/over reacting to my mistake and believing conventional narratives is part of their individuation process, but it is really hard that he and his partner get to be the hero after all that. I also didn't think about it until recently, but it occurred to me that my ex resembles in appearance the man who groomed me as a figure skater when I was 12. My ex was my youth sponsor before he was my first husband. I look back and I know we were supposed to have that daughter, and everything works out for the highest...but it's weird and hard to accept that I could be so gracious with him and do my best as a mother and still have it turn out like this. Thanks for listening! <3
I am listening Alicia. I took that in. I resonate with some of it personally and you are right. In the end, they are on their own journey and you did your best. Sometimes, it can be so very hard to not have things as we would wish. There is such a template out there. Many templates actually, on how life is "supposed" to be or look. Those templates are just fantasies. Life is messy and one develops a lot of grit and insight to go through such things and then hold it all, to the best of one's ability (there is no perfect or "right" here), with love. ...Holding the situation and oneself with loving energy and a sense that all of that was and is for a reason, even when it is extremely painful and hard to see. I have mostly kept my head down around my experience. Most people don't want to hear about such things. At least not very many people years ago felt interested in hearing about such things. People want to believe in "the system" as it helps them feel safe in a world they really don't feel safe in. Anything that threatens that belief threatens them. So, my sense was to stay mostly quiet. I mention it to people at times. More so now when I feel there is an interest and, of course, here in El Salvador with the expats, a lot more people feel like you and me.
."Holding the situation and oneself with loving energy and a sense that all of that was and is for a reason, even when it is extremely painful and hard to see." Thank You!
"I have mostly kept my head down around my experience. Most people don't want to hear about such things. At least not very many people years ago felt interested in hearing about such things. People want to believe in "the system" as it helps them feel safe in a world they really don't feel safe in."
Gosh, yes. I was talking with my husband today about what it would be like if all the systems that are oppressive or in reaction to that which is oppressive as best as it is understood weren't here. If it was just humanity and humanity (and of course Divinity in/beyond us) - I would do inner child things and woman things and fairy things but I can't think of a human identity I have that would stay - I would be just BE me.
I learned to be somewhat savvy about what I share/don't share and then to again let that go and trust inner leading. I am fortunate the people I have told peripherally have been supportive and don't ask details - they just understand that young people don't yet have the perspective to understand the bigger picture and can react against their own parents. It's so complex - and so simple. Love. That's all there is to do. Nothing else. I love you. Thank you for being here. If you ever want to DM or email, I'm happy to listen. Hugs! Love!
Love. Sees You! Thank you for your heart. From one imperfect mama to another, in all our hearts broken-healing-never-was-broken-divine-radiance-loving-innocence-through-all-that's shattered/tended/mended/mending, becoming medicine bundles for the world....my prayer is all way win soulutions that boundlessly bless ALL my families, across the omni-creation-verse-singing a joyful song rising within us!
Wow, poor you and your daughter. I’m inclined to think that her wild father screaming from the next room that he’s going to kill you all with a meat-cleavers had a lot to do with your poor baby’s eczema. Anyway, take care xx
Lol...she didn't have eczema when we were together or when we first split. She got it right after the shots to catch her up one we were in our own apartment and he had started therapy and was, as far as I could tell, relatively stable and only had short, non-overnight visiting with her. Blessings to you!
Well, I’m glad that you two are safe, and I hope that you and little one are well. The vaccine really did save lives: I wonder if it was just too much with everything going on. Either way stay well and safe.
Ahhh Alicia. I have two children as well and learned from seeing what happened with the older one…what to avoid with the second. And I am very glad you found a better relationship and survived the first one. I look forward to your next installment.
Man...oh man. It's not an uncommon story, I think. My heart goes out to you for your pain as well. I wonder if it is openly discussed among people who are still in the belief that vaccines in general are a greater good in spite of side effects? I didn't really know about it being a big controversy when I changed my mind - I just was reacting as a young person and then sought out the truth for myself. I only started getting anti-vaxxer reactor kinds of experiences thrown at me post 2016. I too am grateful that in spite of that first experience, I was able to leave and am now with someone I have had the privilege to grow with for 20 plus years. The hardest, most damn-unfair-heartbreaking thing is that currently BOTH my daughters now live with him (the ex) and prefer him/his partner over me. He got to hold her first and bond...in spite of being abusive to me and shredding my self-esteem...he found the energy to play with her when I was depressed. He was actually decent to us both for a period of time but later disappeared, stopped child support and contributed to a lot of pain for her and be default me. Yet she prefers to live with him and his partner, along with my youngest, whom the oldest essentially took under her wing behind my back, not telling me things that youngest told her that I would have needed to know, then blaming me and leaving suddenly on the weekend of Oct 7th. I miss my daughters. I am glad they get free housing in an area they wouldn't be able to afford on their own that is a pretty cool place for them to spread their wings. I know they are on their path and pushing me away/over reacting to my mistake and believing conventional narratives is part of their individuation process, but it is really hard that he and his partner get to be the hero after all that. I also didn't think about it until recently, but it occurred to me that my ex resembles in appearance the man who groomed me as a figure skater when I was 12. My ex was my youth sponsor before he was my first husband. I look back and I know we were supposed to have that daughter, and everything works out for the highest...but it's weird and hard to accept that I could be so gracious with him and do my best as a mother and still have it turn out like this. Thanks for listening! <3
I am listening Alicia. I took that in. I resonate with some of it personally and you are right. In the end, they are on their own journey and you did your best. Sometimes, it can be so very hard to not have things as we would wish. There is such a template out there. Many templates actually, on how life is "supposed" to be or look. Those templates are just fantasies. Life is messy and one develops a lot of grit and insight to go through such things and then hold it all, to the best of one's ability (there is no perfect or "right" here), with love. ...Holding the situation and oneself with loving energy and a sense that all of that was and is for a reason, even when it is extremely painful and hard to see. I have mostly kept my head down around my experience. Most people don't want to hear about such things. At least not very many people years ago felt interested in hearing about such things. People want to believe in "the system" as it helps them feel safe in a world they really don't feel safe in. Anything that threatens that belief threatens them. So, my sense was to stay mostly quiet. I mention it to people at times. More so now when I feel there is an interest and, of course, here in El Salvador with the expats, a lot more people feel like you and me.
."Holding the situation and oneself with loving energy and a sense that all of that was and is for a reason, even when it is extremely painful and hard to see." Thank You!
"I have mostly kept my head down around my experience. Most people don't want to hear about such things. At least not very many people years ago felt interested in hearing about such things. People want to believe in "the system" as it helps them feel safe in a world they really don't feel safe in."
Gosh, yes. I was talking with my husband today about what it would be like if all the systems that are oppressive or in reaction to that which is oppressive as best as it is understood weren't here. If it was just humanity and humanity (and of course Divinity in/beyond us) - I would do inner child things and woman things and fairy things but I can't think of a human identity I have that would stay - I would be just BE me.
I learned to be somewhat savvy about what I share/don't share and then to again let that go and trust inner leading. I am fortunate the people I have told peripherally have been supportive and don't ask details - they just understand that young people don't yet have the perspective to understand the bigger picture and can react against their own parents. It's so complex - and so simple. Love. That's all there is to do. Nothing else. I love you. Thank you for being here. If you ever want to DM or email, I'm happy to listen. Hugs! Love!
Yes. It is all about Love. That underlies all the complexity. That is you being you....lovingly
Love. Sees You! Thank you for your heart. From one imperfect mama to another, in all our hearts broken-healing-never-was-broken-divine-radiance-loving-innocence-through-all-that's shattered/tended/mended/mending, becoming medicine bundles for the world....my prayer is all way win soulutions that boundlessly bless ALL my families, across the omni-creation-verse-singing a joyful song rising within us!
Wow, poor you and your daughter. I’m inclined to think that her wild father screaming from the next room that he’s going to kill you all with a meat-cleavers had a lot to do with your poor baby’s eczema. Anyway, take care xx
Lol...she didn't have eczema when we were together or when we first split. She got it right after the shots to catch her up one we were in our own apartment and he had started therapy and was, as far as I could tell, relatively stable and only had short, non-overnight visiting with her. Blessings to you!
Well, I’m glad that you two are safe, and I hope that you and little one are well. The vaccine really did save lives: I wonder if it was just too much with everything going on. Either way stay well and safe.
Thank you for the well-wishes!
You’re welcome! Xx
<3 <3 <3
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5607155/