Two Poems, A Painting, More Pictures And A Story

The dude who wanted to be my friend

The miracle I don’t understand

3 measly days ago

All I had was faith

Yesterday on my way out to coffee

I saw first heads

Climbed out of the ground

At Pavement’s Edge

“There is milkweed in my garden you cannot see

This the only season in which you may not see it in my yard

Because the seeds have gone invisible

On their way to shooting up

This is actually their greatest hour

The miracle I don’t understand”

The song of worth

We are worthy

We are worthy

We are worthy

To love all the places that do not believe we are so…

To love all the places we have hidden in the shadow

Under all of it, lives our innocence

Our freedom to shine

Our freedom to stand up for ourselves

Without shaming others

To acknowledge our truth

And allow the love we are

To show us a way

Beyond all that is uncouth

Bless the light

That shines on what needs to be seen

For under all the fear of unworthiness

our innocence is pure in its undying

Unborn sheen

May we find the place serene

Of felt stillness

Permeating a feeling of being

The beloved

Loved

By our totality

In this reality

Beyond the need to hide

Or gain approval

Or avoid reproval

Or prove anything at all

Bless this life

Bless one

Bless all

Above is lemon balm. I am struggling with my teeth again, after a pause in which my original dentist has failed for now months to put in the referral I needed…I have immense fear of pain as great as I went through a few months ago when my pandemic-neglected teeth got infected and some had to be pulled a state in which anesthesia did nothing. Like the milkweed-faith poem, now I am being offered the opportunity to have faith that it is all working out, even when I can’t see the way specifically yet.

Below is a dolphin I painted for my husband. Next to it is a dragon and a lotus candle.

I love all three symbols because we can be playful, loyal/protective and also peaceful and focused on our awakening. It is okay to disengage with those who are not respectful of our own needs/boundaries and or who are directly or indirectly not respectful of those our hearts are aligned and committed to in our lives. My husband and I had an interesting experience in navigating someone who wanted to be my dear friend, suddenly and out of the blue. There were some red flags, but there also seemed to be sincerity. They came across as a spiritual person doing heroic work. I was explicit from the get go that I am happily married, that I didn’t want anything like an affair, and in fact, as I was discussing the situation with my husband, we decided to have him vet this person on the phone to feel out the vibe. Ironically, I had been having more red flags than my husband whose initial read was to give this guy a chance and just ask more questions of a direct nature on the areas I was getting red flags. I did, and this resulted in an invitation to a phone call, rather than the person clearing anything specific up, but for understandable, legitimate reasons. Initially I asked my husband to be a part of the conversation, and then as we talked it over, we both agreed it would be good to just have my husband talk to him first, alone, which he did. The two men share a similar profession, different versions of it. At best, I thought perhaps they might hit it off. I almost hoped they could be friends and I could just excuse myself, as I’d already started to feel uncomfortable. I deeply trust my husband and he is not irrationally possessively. Oddly, when he reported back to me that based on the conversation - in which he said the guy didn’t seem like a terrible guy, but that it definitely seemed like the place he was coming from wasn’t what I was looking… and his intuition about it, he blocked the guy’s number, the guy kept reaching out to me by email, behaving very narcissistically and giving me a hard time that I had not replied to his messages. Now my own husband has never been that needy or expectant of constant attention! I think this person was well intentioned and set a standard for themselves of getting back very right away that they imposed on me, so I dont’ think they were evil, but I also don’t think they were fully transparent. For one thing, they told my husband outright they were using substack as a dating app, but had refused to tell me why they wanted to be my friend other than that I have a good sense of humor. Ironically, I often think I show more my serious side on substack, although my humor and silliness and satire do occasionally make an appearance, for example in my comments to

Peter d'Errico

that now that a lot of native people are Christian, as well as many others of genuine good faith, while those super rich dudes who meet in Switzerland who are are the “princes” of today are not, perhaps if the doctrine of Christian Discovery cannot be overturned, perhaps it should be turned on its head by having a whole bunch of Indigenous and other Christian representatives of Indigenous People march on Davos and reclaim the person, property and possessions of the heathens and infidels.

Anyway, what this fellow told my husband didn’t allay my flags, it simply seemed to confirm that at best he had aspirational views of himself, but was not in a position to offer me the level of integrity I require for any friendship, much less a close one. I wasn’t led to communicate further with him. So I didn’t. It had only been several days of exploring the possibility of a friendship, including me being totally honest that certain of his personal questions caused my hair to raise and creeped me out, while I also felt that when he spoke from his heart, there was a very good person in there.

I don’t think he will, but on the off chance he feels vindictive and tries to spread rumors about me, that’s the story.

I’m really happy that after 20 plus years, my husband and I can work through stuff like that in an awesome way.

Also, my husband has to actually live with me, the funny thing is, while there have been a few people over the years who, based on whatever impression of me they have, seem taken with the idea that they wish I were available to be their partner, they really have no idea how much trouble I am. All of my honest and energetic sensitivity would actually drive most people nuts. And that’s just one example. My talent for housekeeping is almost non existent. I am very blessed that my husband sees who I am, loves who I am and supports me in being who I am. Probably because he isn’t controlling, if he tells me “nope” on a friend I’ve asked him to vet, that’s enough for me to simply walk away.

I do miss having more close friends. Most of my women friends are busy with raising younger children and with lives more “plugged in” than mine has been since the pandemic, and really since a few years before when I started distancing from organizations and communities that I felt had become co-opted. And with men, the ones I’ve tried to be close friends with have usually ended up in a variant of the above story. I thought about my gay friend who works at my favorite restaurant. We dont’ hangout outside of when my husband and I go out to eat, but we always have an awesome connection and good conversation and I have no doubt that if we did hangout, I wouldn’t have any worries - either energetically or physically with anything that wouldn’t feel okay to either me or to my husband.

I asked him yesterday, which my husband thinks will happen first, that I will get my dental issues fully addressed or I will quadruple the number of awesome gay friends. My husband thinks dental. We’ll see. In the meantime, I’m drinking lots of tea and using my little ozone machine.