Shitty Days and Boddhisatvas
My human was having a pretty shitty time today. God seemed relentlessly committed to an aloof, removed confidence that all is well and in ultimate divine order. I asked a friend if it would be alright if I gave Divine Mother the finger. I ultimately surrender to Divine Will every time, but I can tell she must find me amusing, because for a puny human -even as a unicorn - I fight as hard as I can - because from a human perspective, I don’t agree.
I want intervention. The mission is too hard. I’ve taken on more because others have either chosen darkness or haven’t stepped up to the call. I know most of my friends will say, “You can only focus on living your own best life.” Talk to my oversoul. Whereas others seem to have a lot of freewill from this life’s perspective, I have very little. I said I only want Divine Will and I don’t deep down regret that choice, but I have to say that I really thought it would be more cakewalk and less like walking on a cake filled with the frosting of an ass of someone with poor flora, with nails for candles.
I wanted to accuse Her of every horrible thing. Outloud. I did. I told her I I think she is cruel and heartless, even as a deeper part of me knows it isn’t True. I asked my team for help. I have a new team. “Why is she cruel and heartless I asked?” “You are her heart in the world,” is what my team reported back. At least they are talking to me more than previous teams. This is progress. Most of the time intuitives and my team alike leave me blindfolded with just tidbits of complimentary big picture things.
Tears are streaming down my face as my husband and I are driving. I have been up all night as usual. The energy around us is unbearable.
Every so often I try to threaten God then I’m checking out if she doesn’t do more to dissolve the darkness on my timeline or protect me from it better. Every time I feel into that possibility, I know I’m full of shit. I won’t do it.
Something in me will always check. If I know it’s not the Highest Path, I won’t do it. I’ll tantrum though. I’ll tantrum HARD.
When I’ve sought out spiritual teachers they’ve either disappointed me or told me to look inside myself, sometimes with a compliment. They generally tell me less than they tell other people. One I used to spend lots of money for her to get present to my emotions while she told other people detailed information about their star histories. Then she said something really complimentary, yet cryptic and never explained it. Eventually I stopped paying her to get me to cry on the phone. Life does the job for free - isn’t that great! Just being alive in these times gives me many opportunities to cry. The silence of The Divine Mother when I cry out is the most unbearable of all. She could help and doesn’t. Her unwillingness to interfere with free will trumps my cries for help with unbearable energies. Once I was told that I am safe and protected, but only in the sense that the success of my mission is guaranteed - not in the sense that I will be protected from all the experiences that I have found excruciating or unbearable or as close to impossible as you can get without failing truly.
I get the vague sense that God is aloof not because of lack of love but because She can see the perspective where we’re all having tea, all is fine and the hard part is over. We’re celebrating. It’s fine.
My friend, who channels, says it’s fine if I give The Divine Mother the finger - that she welcomes it.. It makes me want to do it less. It’s hard to be mad at Her when She’s so accommodating of my very understandable human feelings. Meanwhile, my oversoul is more accessible. I can feel Her - her love, her frequency, holding me, supporting me. I haven’t always, but today, I feel it. If my oversoul is okay with God’s plan, I am too. I asked my friend, who channels, why God doesn’t intervene, doesn’t answer my prayers to just remove the dark distortions.
Not long ago I was told that there are many whom Spirit has called but who have not answered.
Today my friends who is intuitive said, “The collective has been choosing darkness. She won’t get in the way of free will. But you are helping wake them up. My friend says something about Boddhisatva.
That word. Since I’m not Buddhist in this life, but I know I have unbreakable Boddhisatva vows, it is one of those words that makes me smile and sigh at the same time. I know on a soul level I wouldn’t choose any other way. And I’m still human. And I chose amnesia, so I’m largely blindfolded. I get led. But I can’t see. My guidance is often invisible. Sometimes I’m confused, or I get an energy is off but I’m not sure why. But when I’m clear - when it’s a knowing from that invisible Hand that guides me, I’m rarely wrong. Or I should say She is never wrong, and if she really wants to guide me about something, as reticent as she is to talk on my terms, if she chooses to guide her blindfolded child, often I get to see - usually many years later why I was so led toward or away from things.
During the 2008 housing crisis we had to sell our townhouse in New Jersey. The Real Estate agent told us to lower the price by a LOT. I had a strong intuition not to do it - at least not yet. But really I felt not to do it. We got a full price buyer.
On a mundane note, once I had a feeling not to turn up a certain street and moments later a streetsweeper came down it, blocking the way.
But what about when everything just feels bad, like there are no good options? Sometimes we have to birth that new timeline, or wait until an options that feels right comes into sight.
