Sex: holding contradictions

This was a cool share and it also evoked a lot of laughter, because I think this beautiful reader got the essence of what I believe, but also resonated with an interpretation of my words that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. And also because I feel in myself the presence of many aspects of my past and present self that are nuanced.

The other day I came across an article on “The shadow” and it defined the shadow as largely having to do with sexuality and life impulses. I laughed because it seemed odd to me that sexuality and life impulses would constitute the shadow because it seems like the cutting off of our sexuality and life impulses from our wholeness, along with all the conditioning and addictive stuff is the only thing that makes them shadowy…how could the impulse for life itself be shadowy? I get that most of sexual expression in our world is screwed up, no pun intended, but it seems like saying roses are shadowy…mangoes are shadowy. Strawberries. Really dark stuff, those strawberries. No more whipped cream with your Sundays - it’s too shadowy.

At the same time, there are many sexual distortions that I don’t think are healthy. I think if people are hurting each other and confusing pain and pleasure that is a problem worthy of compassion, not something to normalize. I think rape has been so much a part of our unconscious and epigenetics that many people try to normalize wounds in the collective. I think raping children is always wrong. Raping anyone is always wrong. I have a feeling the woman who wrote the below quote would actually agree with me, that when she says sex is good, never dirty, she would mean, in the sense that sex is inherently good, not inherently dirty or made so by arbitrary human rules - it is about honoring the people in your life, first and foremost yourself and your own body and life force. That is why Jesus did mention, according to the bible, that if you commit sexual sin you sin against your own body. I would argue sexual sin is participating in something that goes against your own body, our own instincts and/or against your own soul within your body, including understanding the impact of your behavior on others, both energetically and concretely.

In some circles I feel like my sexual sensibility is prudish and in others liberated to the point of making people uncomfortable. It just depends. I dance on tables. Sober. And the down the street. I have only ever had sex with two men, both in the context of marriage. A few months of legal overlap. I got my divorce legalized the day my new husband (20 plus years now) started med school. My heart and soul are available to connect deeply people regardless of of our affiliation. I know where my home is and it’s with my soul partner forever. Luckily that guy is my husband. I love him more after twenty years than the day we met and I couldn’t be happier to share the journey with him.

I’ve been told I’ve been a celibate nun (and a celibate priest,) and that I’ve also been a lover-priestess, and once, a good husband who drown and couldn’t get to his family. Once, my husband accompanied me to Ireland, where I had a promise to keep. I went as a woman in a monogamous marriage to the place where I’ve been a lover priestess and it was completely fine and normal. We don’t have to get all tied in a knot about our contradictions if we don’t see them as contradictions, but facets.