Grief, Shock & YES to Life

I’m writing this from the trenches. Well the poem below a few days before I experienced a really huge loss. It’s not my pet or my spouse or my secret lover (hint, I don’t have one.) No one died. But it’s huge, it was a big shock, my heart is heaving, and while I am tempted to say breaking, I will instead, say, being reorganized

and birthed through pain and the choice we all face when something hurtful happens that feels unfair and devastating and also scares us for those we love happens. I can write these words, but still, every so often, I tears fills my eyes, and another round of crying comes. I am glad to be able to cry. I remember long years in my early twenties where I couldn’t cry. I was so numb from the shock of both the daily reality of my first early marriage and the traumas that unfolded just before I left it. I gained my biggest sense of strength from how I handled a life or death situation and how I left responsibly and with grace and compassion. But I couldn’t cry back then. I had to be too strong. So even though it hurts incredibly, what I am going through now, (and don’t worry, in this story, the husband is awesome,) I am happy to be able to FEEL.

We always get a choice. Do we choice to embrace life, even THIS? Do we choose to shut ourselves and our hearts down? Or do we open them wider, to include those, who in this moment, due to the suffering in their own minds, hate us and exclude us from their worlds? How do we honor them and their choices and our grief and still show up with a hearty YES to life? I have had so many shocks to my system in my life, it’s a familiar experience to me. I believe we all create from the patterns we either signed up for before this life or the ones that we inherit from our ancestors and cultures through epigenetics. It doesn’t make it our fault or anyone elses. It just means this is what is playing out until we shift the underlying pattern - and it’s not all up to us, because these patterns are often generational and collective. But we can do our part to show up and say YES to the parts we CAN transmute.

Can we be humble about our genuine mistakes without giving in to a villainizing story that someone has crafted in their mind to explain how badly they are suffering - even if the narrative they are weaving is not rational, not based in what we believe is a balanced view of things. I think this is something people do: “If I believe you did something I wish you did differently, and I am in a tremendous amount of pain, then all the pain is your fault, and if you did it differently, I wouldn’t be in this pain, and therefore, I hate you.” This is the essence of blame.

One of my life lessons appears to be, “Can I make honest mistakes, get scapegoated and hated, and still love myself and those who blame me?”

How might war end if people did this until we could unconditionally love ourselves and others even when we aren’t perfect, even when we cause each other pain when we don’t ever mean to at all. Of course there are the inverted folks who get pleasure from causing pain as a game…but they only control because we are not walking in our full sovereignty as collective. While we are in transition to moving beyond global scale oppression, we also have a sacred opportunity to look at how we would all show up if we were free. Each one of us can take ownership of stepping into the vulnerability and oppportunity of our own sacred fires of transformation into a more whole version of ourselves - and we can use every opportunity of betrayal, oppression, feeling unfairly hated or scapegoated or undermined by people who are either in their own wounds taking them out on us to meet their own needs, or under the control of that which has been controlling the collective consciousness for too long, trying to make us believe we are unworthy of our own self-ownership, and of giving the gifts we have to share with the world while we are here.

I wrote this a few days ago, before the thing went down. It’s part one of a longer one. I’ll post part two tomorrow.

I am worthy to be alive

I am here to inform

That we are in form

Divine, Beautiful and Whole

Holy, Loved, Beautiful and Peacefully

We are here to be Lovolutionaries

Beyond the false this or that

Beyond tit for tat

Or the politics of lies and sides

We are a circle, a spiral, a multidimentional star

That’s who we are!

I am here to thrive, to live fully alive

I choose to be fully here, fully alive

Alive we remain, in truth and in love

Finding peace in the storm, calm like a dove

Through the storm, birthing a sovereign norm of divine love

In the eye of it

Be still in the calm of your divinity

You are one with infinity

In Your Truth, be, Speak and Listen with LOVE