Ashlynn is leaving us

Ashlynn will be leaving us this Friday. Our daughter has arranged for this puppy, whom I adopted when she left, to become her therapy dog. I am heartbroken and happy for her. I will also, probably have more peace, potentially. There is grief and loss there is the feeling of space opening up that feels like a relief.

As I told this story to my barista-friend this morning she observed, “The older I get, the more I feel with EVERYTHING it’s always “all those things.”

When my youngest daughter left home, it was a total shock; she left suddenly and without communication, I was bequeathed a dog. Ashlynn arrived as a foster and I had planned to keep fostering, as my makeup is such that I can bond deeply also let go; hence I am good at deep conversations with strangers. On the other end of the spectrum, I am a super loyal person to the people closest to me and it’s in my makeup to be deeply committed once I’m all in. I’m not so good at the in between.

I wasn’t sure I wanted the long term commitment of a dog, but when Ashlynn arrived on our doorstep, my daughter and this 3 mo old bonded instantly. The previous foster mom said five seconds in, “It looks like you’re going to be keeping her.” I kept trying to find homes for Ashlynn every time we were out, especially when we brought her to the Farmer’s Market, where she got such compliments on her cuteness. But nobody wanted her accept for one application from a couple who wanted a dog to look cute and relax on their deck with them in their retirement. Ashlynn has always been a high maintenance dog with wiggly buttloads of energy, enthusiasm and an ability to bark without stopping for hours if she so chooses. For both Ashlynn’s sake and the couples sake, I listened to my intuition and vetoed the application. Soon I came to an inner understanding, that although Ashlynn would not have been my first choice of a dog to adopt if I was going to…she was meant to be adopted by us. So many of my contracts are ones in which my soul is more generous than my personality, and I find myself in the position of, “Okay, fine God,” and then I relent, embrace and ultimately, sooner or later, celebrate the beauty of what I’ve participated in within the Greater tapestry of God’s design, with my oversoul overriding my human free will nearly all of the time on most things I have strong feelings about from a human perspective. I am losing this battle of Wills to God, and it’s a beautiful thing, it’s just not what I would have chosen on a human level. It’s why I don’t get into new age stuff, even though I am more metaphysical in my understandings of the things of spirit rather than traditionally religious.

It was very clear this was going to be our daughter’s dog and she took full responsibility. As she developed some health issues, all of us stepped up to help, although, in her mind we didn’t always do things as she would have done. The biggest, saddest thing about what happened with both my daughters is that in spite of doing everything I could to make sure they felt like they could communicate with me, they didn’t. The oldest and youngest communicated behind my/our back, including with my ex and his partner for years, arranging for the youngest to come and live with the three them. The oldest was here visiting; she’d left four years earlier, when a long period of hostility over a slightly different set of grievances, but ones that equally seemed blown way out of proportion. The girls acted more or less like everything was fine, other than some weird subtexts and then they youngest announcing, hand in oldest’s on their last day that the youngest was moving and would use extreme measures to ensure we didn’t stop her. I had noticed that a heavy energy that wasn’t her norm had descended on her for a few months and especially in the weeks before, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I had tried so hard to communicate with this child but she was so sensitive and struggled so much to deal with feeling her feelings and had told me outright that when little things triggered her she needed a full hour to recover and normally didn’t want to talk about it. She’d been in physical therapy for a while for some health issues, and we were in the process of getting second opinions on things. In addition to the physical and probably related emotional issues, she had some genuine grievances. One of them I’m really sorry about. I thought it had been resolved. The others I don’t feel are my responsibility, or fall into the category of “whoops” but definitely not moral failures in my mind, definitely huge failures in the girls minds. Chalk it up to values and what you find to be important in life. I thought if I accepted them for who they are, valued them in the ways the are different from me and supported them in following their path, it would be enough, because it would have been for me. I thought I had not projected onto them by valuing the ways they are different that I could see. I couldn’t see that I was projecting that these less tangible values would be less important to them than checking off certain societal boxes. I realized, after they left, that no matter what I did, or my husband did, it would have been the same outcome because it is their path to go their own way and to be where they are, and maybe it will circle around and maybe not, but it is part of the life contract that they left and it would have been painful no matter the permutations. Some things are destined. I agreed. They agreed. Months before the youngest left, I was contemplating if we should invest in a farm for her where she could pursue her animal related passions even if we couldn’t fully resolve the special needs she had developed in the previous year-ish, and I saw in my third eye a path diverge and I heard, “She may leave early.” I freaked out thinking, “OMG, what if she dies?” Because we hadn’t ruled out a more serious diagnoses yet at that point with her spinal/neurological symptoms. When the MRI came back that she had the signs of the less severe diagnosis I had suspected, but which didn’t explain all of her symptoms, I was relieved but still wondered…now I see I was being given a heads up. Her path, her mission diverges. I truly believe both my daughters are getting experienced I couldn’t give them and I am happy for them in that sense. I wish it could have been done without all the blame, the pain, the shock, the unnecessary harshness. But they must have needed to think/do the way they did to justify such extreme actions in their own mind and set them on their course without looking back, without hesitating. I know my children are beautiful people even though how they have treated me has initiated me into levels of grief I never felt when my brother died by suicide or when my grandparents died of old age. I grieved differently but equally hard when I learned flowers had to die. That grief only lasted an afternoon. This one I feel everyday. I send them love. I remember they are doing the best they can. I see the patterns unresolved from both sides of the family that they are playing out with different permutations. I remember that if I am angry about their reactions toward me even when I did the absolute best I could, failures included, that it is because I have more work to do to forgive myself. When I remember truly, it couldn’t have been any other way, that even if I’d done this or that thing better or at least different, something would have triggered the basic soul agreement we all shared to do this dance. In that, there is a sigh, and a peaceful surrender. I failed in all the right ways to put them on their path. They interpreted things just how they needed to in the ways I didn’t do anything wrong, in order to be on their path. Whether we all come together again in this life or not, on a soul level, I know they are beautiful and perfect and lovable and I release them with all my heart and prayers for their best, happiest, most fulfilling lives. I will miss Ashlynn and how she has helped me connect with my heart and been my snuggle buddy when I’ve been at my saddest. I also know her next phase of adventuring in the Greater Boston area will be awesome. There will be new paths to smell, maybe with a discarded takeout container or two to get into, new people to love and comfort and be playful with and new dog butts to smell. There will be opportunities to learn tricks and be of service. Our other dog, Adrian, I feel for…but ultimately I have a peace it will work out. Everything will be okay. Everyday I pray for all way win solutions that bless all life, all of us, including all of my families in the galaxy/the omni-all and my family upon this earth and me. It is beautiful when we surrender it to Source/Light/Sophia/Love/All That Is/Allah, YHWH.

Have you ever had to surrender something really really big where you wanted it one way and life dealt you a different outcome? What helped you or is helping you through?

What does it look/feel like to you to surrender into Grace, trusting that even from our failures and our “initiations” come pure gold when we invite Grace to guide us to all way blessings beyond our understanding?

What is your understanding of life contracts/agreements and which ones can be changed versus which ones are sealed?